The Walking Dead really displays the endurance of American gun culture. Cuz those things are fucking noisy, and noise attracts zombies. But they are still almost the only ranged weapons throughout the entire series–and NOBODY thinks that this is weird!

Hardly any characters, and only one recurring character, uses something sensible and quiet like a cross bow. Nobody’s raiding sporting goods stores for those.

Production of bows and arrows in general is going to be much easier than restarting any gun industry (even a primitive one), since bows require no more than wood and sinews. Guns require, at a minimum, metal, which means refinement at high temperatures before smithing, even if it’s recycled, and the raw materials have to be mined, but the show takes place in a mainly wooded region whose forests are not under threat from huge logging conglomerates. Sooner or later scavenging is just not going to do it, and some kind of weapons industry is going to be necessary. Wooden projectiles would be significant early on and probably for a long time. The knowledge is surely available in libraries, and maybe even a hobbyist or two has survived with the foresight to share—well, no, they’ll see an opportunity to share something they are super geeky about and they’ll seize it with quivering hands. The raw materials can be harvested and shaped by the same individual, and even partial success can still be useful—for example, a poorly constructed bow that might not penetrate a walker skull could still fire a flaming arrow, or at least something that can be launched silently that makes noise far away from the archer. But we saw Eugene’s bullet stopped easily by a wooden bat, and no one on the show seems to be carrying silencers.

Even when guns are taken away, nobody thinks to research any kind of weaponcraft—Eugene just already knows things, and even his knowledge needs practice and improvement. Granted that’s a significant time investment, but sooner or later they will have to make it. But not even Eugene ever suggests it. The only effective weapon anyone’s crafted so far with their own hands is a staff–a melee weapon.

That’s not to say they aren’t ever (or even frequently?) in situations where guns would be better, but there are several times on the show when they were a proven liability. The characters even recognize and make explicit reference to this, and the show never conceals or ignores the effect of the noise. But. If you want to drop a walker from a distance, you gotta make noise doing it. Doing it quiet means up close. It’s like the law.

And I guess it increases tension–it imposes limits on the characters and makes things more dangerous–but what stands out about it is that nooooobody is weirded out by this.

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Finals Week

Technically, it’s two weeks long. Last day is Monday of next week. That’s my Greek test, as well as the due date of my revised work shop story. Then I got more tests, Wednesday and Thursday I think.

I’ve held onto this library book, Hanson and Quinn’s Greek, for a while, since I haven’t had time to really sit down and study with it. And now someone’s requested it. Of course. But it’s not due back until two days before my Greek exam, so I think I could make it all the way through it before then. I’m taking a break right now, though.

I’m close to having my study fully set up. Got an operating system, speakers, office software, and music; I just need to go through and convert all of my files to .ogg format. I thought about setting up my OS so it can handle .mp3’s and .wma’s, but it’s on a thumb drive and I don’t want to load it down with extra software I might not have room for.

I’ve been taking the focalin off and on, and I think it is helping some. And the dry mouth and loss of appetite is getting better, too. But I can definitely tell when it’s wearing off, yee.

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Copied from facebook (a full blog entry that was only going to be a FB post, yup)

First day on a new medication. Oh boy! Definitely want to make sure and try these only over the weekend. i feel like I just had the strongest mug of tea ever. This stuff takes getting used to, and i don’t want to be behind the wheel of a car at the moment. don’t feel safe.

Not sure I mentioned trying strattera. Wrong choice. Biggest thing it did was make me drowsy. Slowed me down, very good for “treating” hyperactivity as if I thought hyperactivity was a disease. It also reduced my anxiety, kinda made me feel generally strange. I disliked it. I feel like it reduced my libido as well, and when I had, ahem, libido anyway it gave me some discomfort. Also, it worked a little like how people tell me antidepressants work, and my older sister just told me that was it’s original design purpose, only it didn’t work that way during the human trials, it reduced inattentiveness instead. Well for me it was exactly the opposite, so generally pointless, since I’m not depressed, and the side effects were ultimately destructive. I function normally in bursts of procrastination and panic, well, take away the panic and what’s left.

Also my fucking god what happened to my punctuation and grammar i will have to proofread the fuck out of everything i end up working on if I end up using this. Maybe I’ll try a lower dose. Doctor told me the doses available, and she thought the second-smallest was the best idea, since I wasn’t a child an all, but maybe going down five miligrams would be smart. But it’s an all-day timed release type thing, we’ll see how tomorrow works out, and I’ll decide whether to take it again monday morning.

It’s true that i’m doing more though, my comments have been two-four times as long as usual, and I’m a little less inhibited about making them. A lot of my procrastination is re-reading comments and agonizing about whether the world will end if I make them. And it seems pretty obvious for me to realise that it won’t, and I don’t think that the world will literally end, I’m not really thinking of any kind of bad thing happening in particular, just sitting there worrying, and I’m either jacked up and no impulse control right now, or perhaps I’ve gained the awareness that i’m being silly. Whatever, if it helps me achieve my goals what should you say against it? Especially as an anarchist, my goals include overthrowing the bourgeoisie, would you scorn my contribution just because evil big pharma was involved? Do you starve yourself because corporations control the distribution of food? Of course not. So why should your hate for capitalism extend to denial that my neurological differences are real, and if capitalism demands workers who can walk, would an anarchist society deprive a paralytic of a wheel chair? If a society does so, then what about it would be anarchist? Nothing of course.

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I shouldn’t have bought a new mobo. But I did anyway.

Well, I wanted to set up a computer in my study (it’s a goddamn study now, okay, so deal) but I don’t want to lose internet access on my desktop and my laptop is slowly decaying as well. Plus, it’s proven beneficial in the past to have a machine to type on that didn’t have internet or distractions, but did have office software and music. Also, there’s a page on facebook called “things full of beans that shouldn’t be full of beans.” I’m totally not lying. See for yourself

https://www.facebook.com/BeansInThingsThatBeansShouldntBeIn/?pnref=story

The internet is a strange place. Well, that’s all I got for now, except for that this week is spring break. Yay. I’m gonna study, draw, and fuck around, same as I usually do, except I only leave the house when I feel like it. This also means that I have one less week of school before getting evaluated for ADHD (like, I dunno who told you people grow out of it, lady, I’ve heard some people learn coping mechanisms, I certainly did, but all of mine have been shit). It’s good, though, because I need time to come to peace with the idea of taking medication for something that isn’t a sickness it’s just how I am. I don’t even reject the worst things about it, I just know intellectually I should probably get stuff done that I’m not and dada dada dada, anxiety and guilt, and I dunno, I kinda want to be a little more in control of my life afterall. I was going to walk the dog, but I really want to go to sleep now, so I’m going to do that.

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1 March

Welcome to March. My appointment isn’t until March 28. I thought it was a month earlier, but I checked my phone and there it is. Okay. Bring it on.

I have recolonized my sister’s old room. My desk is still in there, afterall, though it’s got things on it that aren’t mine. Having a separate space to do work in was helpful, and I don’t care about people’s griping when they don’t even use the space. I’m not taking up room that anyone else needs, so I don’t see why anyone should resent me for it.

With that in mind, I have gone through my “draw fifty animals” book and written dates in order starting with the first of the year. I did draw a few of the animals in it, but not on any schedule like I was originally planning. I’m thinking I can draw two per day, and put the date on each drawing, so I can see how much I’ve caught up and how much I have yet to do. Then I can get the other books and finish out the year.

So ambitious.

I got my poems workshopped, and I got a lot of positive feedback which pleases me to no end. A few, it seemed, knew what they were talking about. I do think there were some people who were more impressed by my knowledge of the technical vocabulary of poetry than by my skill with a pen. Technical vocabulary is not an area we covered much in class, maybe because we didn’t find it necessary. An odd perspective to me. I mean, most people don’t need to know what a carburetor is–I certainly don’t, but I can still operate a vehicle. But if you’re actually working on cars, you kind of do need to know. Maybe there’s something wrong with it, or maybe the problem is somewhere else in the car–you need to be able to say that. You need words in order to communicate that, especially if you’re working on a team. That’s not something we really think about happening with writing–we like to imagine that creativity is individual and alone–but isn’t that exactly how a workshop works? Isn’t that afterall why it’s called a “writers’ workshop?” It’s a team effort, and for it to succeed words are important. I bet you nine times out of ten, when someone has called me “smart” it’s because I know words. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am totally brilliant. But knowing words is just practical. Words are things you can’t do without. You can’t talk without words. Why do so many people view them as these mysterious contrivances that reveal their mysteries to only a select chosen few? I haven’t been chosen by anybody. I learned those words myself–ripped them from the page with my own hands. Words don’t make you smart. They make you communicate.

Words words words

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Okay. I know I said today, and I said it yesterday, but I’m a doofus so bear with me.

I’m turning my back on something that’s been a huge part of my identity since highschool, even before. I’ve always resented the idea that I should alter the way my mind functions in order to fit with the society that has always been happy to inflict violence on me in return for non-compliance. And I’ve always viewed my refusal of medication as part of that non-compliance. I’ve never met anyone who really understood that with any degree of nuance. Either they want me to just go ahead and take the pills, or they’re crunchies who don’t think ADHD is real. And that’s as infuriating as anything else.

Unfortunately, there are some basic facts about my life that have to be reckoned with. I’ve been in college upwards of ten years and I’m not exactly on track to become a doctor. I’m trying to start a reform movement and me and some friends of mine are trying to start a business. I’m taking four classes right now and finishing homework four or five hours before class time and getting very little sleep. Not even all of my homework either. I’ve also never once had a tidy room, and really the only way it even gets vacuumed is if I move the mess off of the floor and onto another convenient surface. I consider myself an avid reader but I haven’t even read the fucking bread book. This is what counts as normal for me.

I have to face the truth that I have very severe executive dysfunction and if I have a chance to do something about that then I should take it. I’m lucky in that the racial and economic privileges I inherited from my parents have shielded me from the worst consequences of this problem, but I have never been in a situation where it wasn’t a significant factor. If I want to do something about the things I care about and maybe start making some money for myself then I need to pursue solutions that will probably include medication.

I still resent it. I have a right to exist as a person with a disability. But more than just the Trump regime, but also the ludicrous response of the “opposition” to it have made me seriously question whether my choice was rational. I have a unique perspective but I still think it’s the right one or else I would discard it. I want to be able to have an influence on the coming events. I want to matter. If this will help me make more of a difference, then I guess it’s the right thing to do.

I need to figure out next how to get insurance. I’ve had a consultation with my regular doctor, who’s recommended a specialist. Had an EKG to make sure my heart is healthy. That was something I remember doing when I was very little, after I first got diagnosed. It’s all so strange. I feel I’ve had such a strange life sometimes. I’m always like 45° off from everybody else. Maybe that’s the autism or maybe I just never been around anyone who got it. Anyhow I’ve got to somehow take control of my life. I’m afraid things could get very bad soon and I’ve got to be ready.

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I had literal tears in my eyes yesterday though. Betsy devoss is trash. I’m going to be printing out and studying the text of the IDEA and ADA and trying to adapt it for local/state government. Can’t really add it on as a new project and it will be easier anyway if I can get proportional representation off the ground. I’m not stopping. I’m not giving up. But I’ve always kind of been a mess, to be honest, and I’m evolving into a bigger mess as time goes on. Eventually I will shrivel up and blow away on the wind. I’m just too alone in my perspective.

I had a lot of good reviews on my poems that I turned in last week, so that’s been kind of a buoy. I kinda think most of them are reacting to the fact that I know words for things, I dunno. But whatever. Still haven’t finished Apollonius. Tomorrow I’m also giving a presentation about the single transferable vote, and I’m going to tape it. I got some throwing-together to do, unfortunately, since I haven’t been focusing on it or on much of anything else. I rarely start my Greek homework until after midnight. Been eating and sleeping poorly as well. Been going to a lot of meetings. Fuck this shit. This country is a dumpster fire, and even if it wasn’t, my home state still would be. There’s no solution. Maybe I should take a nap and feel better.

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