I shouldn’t have bought a new mobo. But I did anyway.

Well, I wanted to set up a computer in my study (it’s a goddamn study now, okay, so deal) but I don’t want to lose internet access on my desktop and my laptop is slowly decaying as well. Plus, it’s proven beneficial in the past to have a machine to type on that didn’t have internet or distractions, but did have office software and music. Also, there’s a page on facebook called “things full of beans that shouldn’t be full of beans.” I’m totally not lying. See for yourself

https://www.facebook.com/BeansInThingsThatBeansShouldntBeIn/?pnref=story

The internet is a strange place. Well, that’s all I got for now, except for that this week is spring break. Yay. I’m gonna study, draw, and fuck around, same as I usually do, except I only leave the house when I feel like it. This also means that I have one less week of school before getting evaluated for ADHD (like, I dunno who told you people grow out of it, lady, I’ve heard some people learn coping mechanisms, I certainly did, but all of mine have been shit). It’s good, though, because I need time to come to peace with the idea of taking medication for something that isn’t a sickness it’s just how I am. I don’t even reject the worst things about it, I just know intellectually I should probably get stuff done that I’m not and dada dada dada, anxiety and guilt, and I dunno, I kinda want to be a little more in control of my life afterall. I was going to walk the dog, but I really want to go to sleep now, so I’m going to do that.

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1 March

Welcome to March. My appointment isn’t until March 28. I thought it was a month earlier, but I checked my phone and there it is. Okay. Bring it on.

I have recolonized my sister’s old room. My desk is still in there, afterall, though it’s got things on it that aren’t mine. Having a separate space to do work in was helpful, and I don’t care about people’s griping when they don’t even use the space. I’m not taking up room that anyone else needs, so I don’t see why anyone should resent me for it.

With that in mind, I have gone through my “draw fifty animals” book and written dates in order starting with the first of the year. I did draw a few of the animals in it, but not on any schedule like I was originally planning. I’m thinking I can draw two per day, and put the date on each drawing, so I can see how much I’ve caught up and how much I have yet to do. Then I can get the other books and finish out the year.

So ambitious.

I got my poems workshopped, and I got a lot of positive feedback which pleases me to no end. A few, it seemed, knew what they were talking about. I do think there were some people who were more impressed by my knowledge of the technical vocabulary of poetry than by my skill with a pen. Technical vocabulary is not an area we covered much in class, maybe because we didn’t find it necessary. An odd perspective to me. I mean, most people don’t need to know what a carburetor is–I certainly don’t, but I can still operate a vehicle. But if you’re actually working on cars, you kind of do need to know. Maybe there’s something wrong with it, or maybe the problem is somewhere else in the car–you need to be able to say that. You need words in order to communicate that, especially if you’re working on a team. That’s not something we really think about happening with writing–we like to imagine that creativity is individual and alone–but isn’t that exactly how a workshop works? Isn’t that afterall why it’s called a “writers’ workshop?” It’s a team effort, and for it to succeed words are important. I bet you nine times out of ten, when someone has called me “smart” it’s because I know words. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am totally brilliant. But knowing words is just practical. Words are things you can’t do without. You can’t talk without words. Why do so many people view them as these mysterious contrivances that reveal their mysteries to only a select chosen few? I haven’t been chosen by anybody. I learned those words myself–ripped them from the page with my own hands. Words don’t make you smart. They make you communicate.

Words words words

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Okay. I know I said today, and I said it yesterday, but I’m a doofus so bear with me.

I’m turning my back on something that’s been a huge part of my identity since highschool, even before. I’ve always resented the idea that I should alter the way my mind functions in order to fit with the society that has always been happy to inflict violence on me in return for non-compliance. And I’ve always viewed my refusal of medication as part of that non-compliance. I’ve never met anyone who really understood that with any degree of nuance. Either they want me to just go ahead and take the pills, or they’re crunchies who don’t think ADHD is real. And that’s as infuriating as anything else.

Unfortunately, there are some basic facts about my life that have to be reckoned with. I’ve been in college upwards of ten years and I’m not exactly on track to become a doctor. I’m trying to start a reform movement and me and some friends of mine are trying to start a business. I’m taking four classes right now and finishing homework four or five hours before class time and getting very little sleep. Not even all of my homework either. I’ve also never once had a tidy room, and really the only way it even gets vacuumed is if I move the mess off of the floor and onto another convenient surface. I consider myself an avid reader but I haven’t even read the fucking bread book. This is what counts as normal for me.

I have to face the truth that I have very severe executive dysfunction and if I have a chance to do something about that then I should take it. I’m lucky in that the racial and economic privileges I inherited from my parents have shielded me from the worst consequences of this problem, but I have never been in a situation where it wasn’t a significant factor. If I want to do something about the things I care about and maybe start making some money for myself then I need to pursue solutions that will probably include medication.

I still resent it. I have a right to exist as a person with a disability. But more than just the Trump regime, but also the ludicrous response of the “opposition” to it have made me seriously question whether my choice was rational. I have a unique perspective but I still think it’s the right one or else I would discard it. I want to be able to have an influence on the coming events. I want to matter. If this will help me make more of a difference, then I guess it’s the right thing to do.

I need to figure out next how to get insurance. I’ve had a consultation with my regular doctor, who’s recommended a specialist. Had an EKG to make sure my heart is healthy. That was something I remember doing when I was very little, after I first got diagnosed. It’s all so strange. I feel I’ve had such a strange life sometimes. I’m always like 45° off from everybody else. Maybe that’s the autism or maybe I just never been around anyone who got it. Anyhow I’ve got to somehow take control of my life. I’m afraid things could get very bad soon and I’ve got to be ready.

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I had literal tears in my eyes yesterday though. Betsy devoss is trash. I’m going to be printing out and studying the text of the IDEA and ADA and trying to adapt it for local/state government. Can’t really add it on as a new project and it will be easier anyway if I can get proportional representation off the ground. I’m not stopping. I’m not giving up. But I’ve always kind of been a mess, to be honest, and I’m evolving into a bigger mess as time goes on. Eventually I will shrivel up and blow away on the wind. I’m just too alone in my perspective.

I had a lot of good reviews on my poems that I turned in last week, so that’s been kind of a buoy. I kinda think most of them are reacting to the fact that I know words for things, I dunno. But whatever. Still haven’t finished Apollonius. Tomorrow I’m also giving a presentation about the single transferable vote, and I’m going to tape it. I got some throwing-together to do, unfortunately, since I haven’t been focusing on it or on much of anything else. I rarely start my Greek homework until after midnight. Been eating and sleeping poorly as well. Been going to a lot of meetings. Fuck this shit. This country is a dumpster fire, and even if it wasn’t, my home state still would be. There’s no solution. Maybe I should take a nap and feel better.

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Okay.

Classes began last week. Originally I was only going to be in three classes, but I added a linguistics class at the last moment. It’s 400-level (which will help me towards graduation) and it’s about phonology, which I am going to fucking destroy. I fully intend to ace both tests. Also, I was able, for whatever reason, to download the 330 page text book for free from a Persian website (book is in English). Some part of me finds that hilarious.

My creative writing class requires two poems, one of which must be a sonnet. Sonnets are like fourteen lines long. May as well just write haikus–and believe me, I have nothing against the haiku, but it’s not exactly the longest form of poetry. Oh yeah, and we’re also going to be covering haiku. I dunno. It’s just kind of abrupt, after spending whole semesters on mere portions of all these freaking poetic epics in actual Latin my first English poems since community college are going to be these short little dribs. But it’s only a 200-level class, so I shouldn’t be surprised, and I should get a pretty good fucking grade out of this, so I shouldn’t be too disappointed. I guess my major issue now is which ones to submit (unless I write a new one). Depends probably on the length requirements which I’m sure will exclude all three of them. Meh.

The other two are Classical Greek and Roman Mythology and Greek, which are great but I dunno, there’s less to write about sort of. I guess. I don’t want you to think they’re any less exciting (if you saw my Mythology professor you would know how exciting that one was) but eh I don’t have very much to gush about right now. Except my mythology professor. Who is. Really. Damn. Good looking. Woah.

Also I am really bad at political organizing the way i talk to people makes me look like a total nut at least i know what career i will never have jesus. Yeah, I’ve been wanting to talk to the League of Women voters about maybe enlisting their support for ranked choice voting and instant runoff voting, and I dunno, I’ve spoken to more than one member already, and let me put it this way, when people want to get in touch with you they usually don’t wait for you to give them your info, but I made sure she had it anyway just in case. Well, if I choose to really believe in this then I have to keep trying.

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So wrote a flash/shirt story (directly on the borderline of 1000 wds) and today I found out it placed first of three in a contest I entered. I mean, there were only two other contestants, and I looked at the third-place entry, and it was kinda pro-forma, but I still placed first so it’s not like there’s no bragging rights at all. Really, I’m mostly only entering for the reviews anyway. Maybe I should try and get them some publicity if they can only find three entries. Eh fuckit. I’m allowed to be pleased about this.

It was a fun story, though. I wrote it for a prompt in another contest (still ongoing) where you get a set of random prompts and build your own prompt out of them. Link here, if you wanna see: http://fav.me/darvs33 So out of what I got, I constructed a prompt of 1000 words, in epic genre, and a few other things I worked in in perfunctory fashion. Since I already had an idea that was sort of floating around, plus epic genre is practically the topic of several classes I’ve taken, I figured I could turn the random nonsense percolating in my consciousness into an actual piece. I really should spend more time writing, honestly. (also revising but never mind that my lad I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique)

I’m also seriously considering making a new facebook account. To the point I logged out and had started typing in fake names. I dunno I really like making secret identities, to the point where I wonder if it’s actually really really peculiar that I don’t do comics. Because to my understanding that’s a pretty common thing with comics. Secret identities, you know. Furgather is back up and the baby furs are all either far less offensive than they were a month ago or just on ignore, but there’s just more people on Facebook and it’s easier to have a conversation and meet people on social media. Or so I’m told. Plus it would be a space where I can act bisexual without my parents finding out. And mention some things I’ve had on my mind for a while but I’m not sure I want to say anything about.

Cuz you know, even closed groups on FB if they let me join they could theoretically allow anyone to join that I know. And there’s this fellow I knew in middle school who wants to get in touch with me for some reason and I haven’t been allowing him to and I don’t really know why, to be honest. I don’t know why I’m resistant and I don’t know why he wants it. Maybe I should just go ahead and let him talk to me. I have shaken free of the suspicion that anyone I don’t know to be someone else is automatically Fat Bastard, but still, for someone who gets lonely like I do people really aren’t my thing. I want people and I don’t want them. Or maybe I want people but I don’t want those. Those being almost everybody. I’m a contradiction. Or a bad person. Or a crazy person. Or a sensitive person with too many bad experiences that I still manage to feel guilty about trying to avoid repeating.

So I wanna end on a high note here, since I’m generally feeling kinda good, so I’ll mention one of the stories I was supposed to read in my workshopping group is kinda really entertaining. I mean, the language needs a lot of work, and there’s a few things I think could be done more subtly, but I’m not even finished with it and I’m already extremely entertained http://fav.me/dab8zeq Called “The Wicked Stepsisters” it’s a fairy-tail retelling from the evil perspective.

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So…I wanted to have a reading list for this past year, because that is a really smart idea and I wanna steal it, except I have such a jumbled memory of what I did and when, I’d leave most of the books out that I finished, and add some in that I didn’t.

So I’m going to have a prospective reading list. For January.

The Argonautica by Apollonius Rhodius
Greek: an Intensive Course by Hansen and Quinn
The Poetics by Aristotle
Momo by that German dude
Epic of Gilgamesh

I will probably finish the Argonautica. I’m already on book two, and it’s only four books long (before you freak out, that’s poetic books, not volumes, in this case about 1100-1200 lines long each in the original, and this is a prose translation so yeah).

That seems like not many books although it’s only for January so maybe. But I’ll also have school and my parents’ house is currently packed with noisy relatives and I’m sleeping poorly and I’ve stopped shaving–notice I haven’t started growing my beard back. I’ve only stopped shaving. It’s just too much to deal with on top of the stress. I was also going to dye my hair again, but I haven’t even bleached my roots. Which I was totally going to do.

Some of the things that I have been doing is studying Latin–revisiting the basics. I’ve reviewed five chapters of Wheelocks so far. I also ran a pencil and paper simulation of an election using the single-transferable vote and three different thresholds–I discovered that the lower thresholds expand the influence of the top vote-getter. My blue spinny chair that I got in highschool is in an advanced state of decay. The back is starting to come off. It’s gotten to where I can no longer lean back. It’s actually kinda funny the way it looks. Maybe I’ll post pictures later. Or not. I’ve also started working on my conlang again. I have a big universe in my head of which I’ve put so little down on paper. I should just say fuck it and put down all the straight description my dear little heart can crank out. I also binge-watched fuck how many shows. Dark Matter, Colony, Travelers, Torchwood, Containment, in the time since last semester ended. I need to let up on the Netflix; it’s dulling my brain.

I wonder what would happen if I drew one picture every day for the whole year of 2017? I might not suck at the end, I dunno. Shit, I ought to do that. I did one month before, and every month since then I’ve thought of doing it again “this month…well okay next month, shit.”

And I continued downloading music even though I told myself I would stop. Well, fuckit, these are some good bands. Plus I recently joined a metalheads group on Facebook, and a political meme stash, a couple of wolf groups, and finally an autistic group.

Jefferey Dean Morgan as Neegan is officially my favorite TV villain ever. I like him even better than Mark Alaimo’s Gul Dukat.

Welp, it’s now 7:30 and I’m ready for whatever meagre sleep I can get these days.

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