Okay. I know I said today, and I said it yesterday, but I’m a doofus so bear with me.

I’m turning my back on something that’s been a huge part of my identity since highschool, even before. I’ve always resented the idea that I should alter the way my mind functions in order to fit with the society that has always been happy to inflict violence on me in return for non-compliance. And I’ve always viewed my refusal of medication as part of that non-compliance. I’ve never met anyone who really understood that with any degree of nuance. Either they want me to just go ahead and take the pills, or they’re crunchies who don’t think ADHD is real. And that’s as infuriating as anything else.

Unfortunately, there are some basic facts about my life that have to be reckoned with. I’ve been in college upwards of ten years and I’m not exactly on track to become a doctor. I’m trying to start a reform movement and me and some friends of mine are trying to start a business. I’m taking four classes right now and finishing homework four or five hours before class time and getting very little sleep. Not even all of my homework either. I’ve also never once had a tidy room, and really the only way it even gets vacuumed is if I move the mess off of the floor and onto another convenient surface. I consider myself an avid reader but I haven’t even read the fucking bread book. This is what counts as normal for me.

I have to face the truth that I have very severe executive dysfunction and if I have a chance to do something about that then I should take it. I’m lucky in that the racial and economic privileges I inherited from my parents have shielded me from the worst consequences of this problem, but I have never been in a situation where it wasn’t a significant factor. If I want to do something about the things I care about and maybe start making some money for myself then I need to pursue solutions that will probably include medication.

I still resent it. I have a right to exist as a person with a disability. But more than just the Trump regime, but also the ludicrous response of the “opposition” to it have made me seriously question whether my choice was rational. I have a unique perspective but I still think it’s the right one or else I would discard it. I want to be able to have an influence on the coming events. I want to matter. If this will help me make more of a difference, then I guess it’s the right thing to do.

I need to figure out next how to get insurance. I’ve had a consultation with my regular doctor, who’s recommended a specialist. Had an EKG to make sure my heart is healthy. That was something I remember doing when I was very little, after I first got diagnosed. It’s all so strange. I feel I’ve had such a strange life sometimes. I’m always like 45° off from everybody else. Maybe that’s the autism or maybe I just never been around anyone who got it. Anyhow I’ve got to somehow take control of my life. I’m afraid things could get very bad soon and I’ve got to be ready.

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2 Responses to

  1. I’ve been considering more and more the possibility that I could benefit from anxiety meds…a big part of my absence this past month is due to relentless low-key panic…which sounds melodramatic and like I should easily be able to brush it of (it’s low-key, right?), but I can’t get loose from it and everything sucks anymore. 😦

    But the other me…Wolf me is being more like a mule than a wolf…he refuses to do it, but can’t produce any good reasoning for WHY NOT… *sigh*

    • I mean, it’s like I said, I been refusing medication for years. And I’ve been going through some wild ups and downs about it, but I finally got my first dose of strattera on friday, and tonight is my third dose. So far nothing is different, but we’ll see. No one can tell you you need to go see a shrink–I would know!–but you just gotta think it through and make your own choice.

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