Well that was the most exhausting failure I’ve had in a long time. 

Someone I know from the Green Party was having a get-together at their house, which is fine but it’s kind of a party night in Knoxville tonight (which I didn’t realise til I got downtown) but he was offering beer and as an alcoholic I kinda wanted to avoid that situation.  Well, someone I need some files from was also going to be there, so I decided to go and asked him to take his computer along.  He said he would.  So I drove on down, and when I got to Summit Hill I realised my mistake. 

No no no no no no. 

People walking everywhere.  Cars all over the place.  The parking garage I was going to use was closed, and Gay street was moving at glacial speed anyway.  I finally escaped Gay street, and made it to my target street where there was another parking lot I could use.  Found a spot, and man the sidewalks were crowded.  I was already shivering with stress by then, but I took a moment to gather my thoughts, and grabbed a water bottle and got out of my car.  Walked along there, with my GPS set because I couldn’t see anywhere that someone would logically live.  When I got to where it told me to go, I looked around and still couldn’t see anything.  I called the guy I needed to see, but he didn’t answer.  Well, I hung around on the corner for a minute, wondering if he’d call back.  Then strolled along a bit.  Suddenly, I looked up and there was the exact address I was meant to be looking for.  Alright.  Maybe this wouldn’t be a total waste of time afterall.  I went into the building, and there were two apartments, with social-gathering-noise coming from behind one of the doors.  So that’s the one I knocked on.  I waited, knocked again.  Still nothing.  Okay.  I checked my phone, and it was after nine thirty.  Okay, I’ll give it two more minutes, or until the next lull, then knock again.  If I still get nothing I’ll take off.  Then just as I was about to knock again, I heard two beer cans open, and I realised full force just how much I shouldn’t be there. 

I’m an alcoholic, with autism, and social anxiety, and already very stressed out.  There is no way I’m ever going to fit in with these people, not tonight, not ever.  So I turned around and went back to my car.  I sent an apologetic message to my guy, then went to Stephanos and ate the shit out of some pizza.  And that was that. 

Waste of fucking gas. 

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